It’s funny, you know. So many people have said to me how strong I am and how amazing I am for doing what I am doing. How I am coping so well. And I appreciate those comments. I really do. But those comments come from a place of observation. A lot of people get the ‘best of me’. The ‘me’ that is on show, so to speak.
Nobody knows that I wish I could turn back time and that I regularly wish I wasn’t in this situation. And why would they? Us single mums seem to keep a big part of this process hidden. Hidden away. And who knows why we do it? Are we trying to fake it until we make it? Or are we trying to protect our family and friends from the pain we feel? Or are we trying to squash that pain down because if we do that, then maybe just maybe it won’t hurt one day.
And I talk to other single mums and I realised that we are all dealing with our pain in our own way. Not every single mum is going to understand what the other is going through because everyone’s situation is different. The people are different. The places are different. The words are different. Our reactions are different. Our past experiences are different.
Each situation is truly unique.
And I know that nobody sees, hears, feels or knows what I do about my life and where I am.
And this isn’t a cry for help by any means. This is a raw observation of what it is like on this side of a separation. The good moments are outweighing the bad moments (for the first few weeks it was the opposite) but there are still bad moments.
Some friends and family are wanting me to move through those a little quicker than I am ready to. Some are the opposite and encouraging me to sit in my sadness.
And it comes back to….Nobody sees, hears, feels, knows what it is really like. For YOU.
So I wrote this… This is what we do when no one is looking.
Nobody sees you put your wedding ring back on for five minutes a day
Nobody hears you sigh when you take it back off and put it away
Nobody feels the empty part of you where your heart used to be
Nobody knows the fear of losing your future
Nobody sees you cry in the car
Nobody hears you sob in your bed late at night
Nobody feels the pang of loneliness that moves like a wave over you every second minute
Nobody knows you are terrified of doing it on your own
Nobody sees you put the cereal in the trolley then place it back because he’s not here anymore and he was the only one who ate it
Nobody hears the fear in your voice when you tell them you are okay
Nobody feels broken and lost
Nobody knows shock and overwhelm keeps you awake at night
Nobody sees you watch other families from behind your sunglasses
Nobody hears the sob that gets caught in your throat
Nobody feels as though a part of their soul is missing
Nobody knows your every single thought starts with what if
Nobody sees you wake up with a smile on your face every morning
Nobody hears you sigh as you remember your new reality and your smile runs away
Nobody feels the pain in your gut as you curl up in a ball and will the morning light away
Nobody knows the first three seconds of the morning and that smile is the best part of the day
Nobody sees you wipe your own tears away behind the backs of your children as they cling to you
Nobody hears you bargain with the universe
Nobody feels the emotional and physical paralysis of rejection
Nobody knows you
Because now you don’t know yourself