Written by Krista Kuhn.
Walking is a good idea, under every circumstance. With each step my unscrupulous mind must settle into the back seat while I am reminded that it is I that make these feet move, I that get to decide the rhythm of my steps and I that am blessed by the pulse of life within me. I tend to forget these truths too easily.
Memory flash: I was around six years old, lying in bed at night with my arm stretched out above me. I was concentrating on keeping it still but realised with an intense sense of bewilderment that it was only I that had the power to control that arm; I laid awake contemplating that beautiful, terrifying reality: no one else could move it for me.
Like a jealous petty sister, my mind is a formidable opponent, sneakily plotting my downfall into passivity. She casts marbles under my feet. I trip, I slip, I fall. There may be the color of passion upon my knee, my eye may leak salted pain onto my tongue and dry heaves may emit from my throat but I will get up. Fortunately, I will realise the humor of me scrambling upon the marbles at increasing speeds and getting absolutely nowhere but the laughter doesn’t come until later once I’ve had the chance to view my own personal Looney Toons show after its filming. Life lesson: determination is valuable but wisdom invaluable.
My son beckons me to challenge myself as I walk and venture through this life on these two legs. In fact, he encourages the use of all four limbs : ) He poses the possibility to me that I can reach farther than what I judge to be reasonable. My son calls me out from safety.
“Mom!”, he beckons, “there is a cave over there, let’s go explore!” I’m game until I realise how steep and precariously placed these boulders are and that I will somehow need to climb them. Climbing like a bear now, still only moving one foot after another, muscles shaking all the while in areas I never knew existed, I make the ascent one intentional moment at a time. My son gives me courage.
“Hey!, Look over there, let’s go!” (He motions to where the rock climbers are scaling horizontals). Ok, so I do have limits!
I love that my son doesn’t see the smokescreen of fear, for the truth of his desire is so strong it already takes him where he needs to go. Likewise, the power of my mother-love has taken me where I need to go.
Rewind to our white sand lake adventure. We are now explorers making our way along the sandy beach, Cayden leading me in, up and over the multitude of roadblocks in the form of rotting tree trunks. We are moving fast and I’m getting caught up in the moment, not only are we crawling but even leaping from tree to tree until it happens. The valiant one slips, scrapes his back on the small spiny twigs and slams down hard onto a tree trunk. GAME OVER?
That is when my snide inner-sister shows up and, feigning the voice of adult reason says “Who do you think you are?!?! You have to be the adult and make sure he doesn’t hurt himself like that! You’re lucky he didn’t really hurt himself! Stop acting like a child and be his parent!”
I’ve now been called out as the fool who gave no thought to the possible consequences of playing with reckless abandon with my son. Should have known better…should be being the mom I’m suppose to be…should be…should be…should be (sounds a bit like shooby dooby right?) which coincidentally the Urban Dictionary defines as ‘an exclamatory remark conveying that you are having a super baller cosmictronicly awesome time’.
Which is exactly the kind of time we were having!
I’m the only one who can move my limbs. It is I who get to decide. There is power in the I that decides and I won’t let the consequence of possible pain stand in the way propelled by the power of a mother’s love.
How is it possible that since having my son in October of 2008 that I have became so much more full of fear but infinitely more courageous? It is into these mysteries that I will take my next step.
About the Author
Krista was born in Iowa and raised on the Front Range of Colorado which she now loves calling home. She has a 6 year-old son named Cayden Charles (his middle name is taken proudly from Krista’s grandfather). Her work life has been quite varied but recently she has been substitute teaching while building a business as a face painter for kids’ parties. She enjoys horseback-riding and engaging in various forms of creative challenges.